Stephanie Lopez is enthusiastic about her husband's good qualities. He is a man of character, kindness and sincerity, she said. He is a loving father and treats her with respect.
But is he her best friend?
“No!” said Lopez, 43, who lives on a large Hawaiian island.
“I'm not having sex with friends,” she explained. “I don't pay bills with friends, and if so, it guarantees that it will change the entire dynamics of the relationship.”
The belief that your partner should be your best friend will pop up anywhere, whether it's social media or in the aisle of a greeting card. Alexandra Solomon, a clinical psychologist and host of the “Reimagining Love” podcast, said it's not uncommon to seek a romantic partner who can do more than play the role of a spouse.
“I want someone to look at us and take us with me,” Dr. Solomon said. “Well, that's just as shit as we want our friendship. We really crave the same sense of affinity and admiration.”
But is it unreasonable to expect your bedmate to be your best friend, or is it the best form of intimacy?
The constantly changing role of a spouse
Jennifer Santiago, 42, and her husband are best friends.
The couple who started dating in high school have been broken for a short time over the years, taking the time to find out themselves and what they want from life. But their underlying friendships brought them together every time, said Santiago, who lives in Orlando.
“When we took a break, there was always an empty space,” she said. They said, “Wow, really, really do it all together!”
Historically, it is a relatively new approach to romantic relationships, says Eli J. Finkel, a social psychologist and author of “All or Nothing Marriage: How the Best Marriage Works.” Ta.
Until the mid-1800s, marriages in the United States revolved around ensuring that their partners had their basic needs (such as food and shelter) met. Dr. Finkel calls it the “practical age.” Between 1850 and 1965, marriage entered an “a era of love.” There, the main relationship functions were about love and relationships. Since then, we have been involved in the era of “self-expression.” Marriage is not just love, but personal growth.
“Marriage relationships are increasingly responsible for our social and psychological needs,” Dr. Finkel said.
How to set realistic expectations
Is it a good or bad thing that many people now expect romantic relationships to play so many roles in life? Ultimately, it depends on “whether your relationship can provide or not,” Dr. Finkel said.
He is “pleasant” to those who say they want their romantic partners to be best friends too. But he suggests that they consider: Are there other expectations they can let go? For example, he says there are many things to expect your partner to be the co-Chief of the family, to split up childcare, to be your exclusive sexual companion, and to become your best friend. I did.
“I don't want to sound like an old sin,” Dr. Finkel said. “I want people to recognize that any expectations you throw in addition to your relationship comes with opportunities to enhance intimacy.
He suggested releasing some of that pressure. Can you lean over another friend for emotional support? It's okay to be emotionally close to your partner, but don't you necessarily have the most painful and intimate life together?
Dr. Solomon believes friendship, especially the best friendship, is not necessary for long-term intimacy. But that doesn't hurt either, she said.
Like your partner – she praises them, finds them funny, cares about their worldview, and simply enjoys being together – is the case for other relationships that couples face You can “cushion” the challenge, she said.
However, Dr. Solomon admitted that while worshiping her husband of 26 years, he was not her best friend. “My best friend's name is Ali and she lives in Seattle,” she said. “She has been there since we were 10 years old.”
Ultimately, maintaining close romantic bonds may involve managing expectations and debating them clearly, and Adam, president of the American Psychological Association for Couples and Family Psychology Fisher said.
Dr. Fisher had a mentor who described marriage and relationships as the best friendship and sex. He thinks it is one of the “very viable” approaches to relationships, but he said, it is by no means the only one.
“Couples need some kind of 'glue'. Commitment, shared values, gender, finances – something,” he said, but it doesn't have to be friendship.
Lopez has opted out of her bedmate as a BFF paradigm.
“I think we have so many expectations and responsibility on our partners,” she said. “I'm not here to be everything and everything to you.”
