One of my roommates secretly began to sleep with my best friend's ex-boyfriend. The breakup was five months ago, but my roommate immediately began talking to him. I accidentally slipped it on someone and then out of guilt, I told all my roommates about the incident. My ex-girlfriend is injured and my roommate is furious with me. She was one of my best friends and now she doesn't talk to me. She is still sleeping with him. I think she shows her true colour. Our other roommates have personally told me that I did the right thing, but they don't support me. They are still close to this roommate. They include her in everything and distance themselves from me. I don't regret my honesty, but I feel like an exile. advice?
friend
I think the way I can most help here is to provide you with a different perspective on your actions that have not yet been released. I think it's hard to believe you accidentally slipped this story. You have decided to tell some people about your private sexual relationships that are not your business. I don't think of this as “honesty.” Instead, you wonder about the need for you to tell this story. Your own account ended the old relationship before the new relationship began.
Now you're learning a difficult truth. Mixing pots to shame people doesn't love us to others. If your roommate rumored about one of her close friends, what would she do to me? And I think I'm afraid of the “true colour” shown here. But it's never too late to change them!
We recommend that you consider why you reported your friend's private business to others. Have you been drawn to the excitement of gossip and the desire to judge her? Even if you judged her actions to be grossly wrong, you should have spoken directly to your friend. Apologise to her now. We are all entitled to privacy and we all make mistakes. You didn't act like a friend here. If possible, try to properly dismiss it.
Sorry, but that date is more than savings
Every summer, my husband and I go on a week-long trip with another couple. It's our only time. Recently my step-sister found out she was pregnant and her husband called to ask about our availability on five possible dates of coed baby showers. My husband said we were free with the four of them. The fifth was in conflict with our vacation. We now received a shower invitation from his mother on the day we said it was not available. My mother-in-law thought we should shorten our holidays and asked other families to intervene. My husband says we have to brush them off: they knew our plans when we set the date. advice?
wife
I agree with your husband. However, in order to be safe, you need to make it clear with your stepmother to tell your father that he has chosen that he will not be available on the selected day. She may not know. You also need to tell your sister-in-law that you're sorry to miss the party. Then ignore further pressure tactics.
How and whether to share painful findings
My aunt has recently passed away and I am the executor of her property. In her paper, I found a 40-year-old suicide note that her sister's grandson wrote when she took her life at the age of 16 (I don't know why she had it). The letter is powerful. His brothers were 12 and 17 at the time, but I don't know if they know about the letter. I'm not near them, and their parents are dead. What should I do? It seems cruel to cultivate all the grief that tore the family apart, but they may want a letter.
Enforcer
I generally prefer directness. But here we are worried about what the brothers were told about the cause of their death at the time, and what they know now. (I know of survivors who lied as children when their family died of suicide.) Still, it is unlikely that the truth has come out 40 years later. And if you know the story, they will. As the son of a parent who died of suicide, I would like to see the letter, but I also admit it causes pain.
It is best to write a brief letter to your brother, tell them that you found a suicide note for your brother among your aunt's documents, and ask them if you want them to forward it. Here, the letter gives them time to consider their options before they respond.
Another prescription for wealthy writing on birthdays
I had a virtual visit with a primary care doctor for 15 years. In our conversation, much of it was about aging in our 40s – she said her birthday was this week. I want to send her flowers but I hesitate because I think it might be strange. I'm not talking about dozens of red roses, but I hate to go ahead and go. thought?
Jeff
Strange – or at least ambiguous. Do you send flowers to a male doctor? Still, I praise your thoughtfulness and suggest you redirect it. Friendly birthday cards and notes seem just right for me.
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