The other side of this impasse is the connection. For you, your father and stepmother are a family that loves your child, can carry history and childhood stories, providing potentially positive and meaningful generational bonds. On the other hand, your husband may not want to develop a challenging family relationship given his more distant relationship with his own parents.
It is okay to manipulate different distances with each parent. However, while distancing from family may be necessary, it generally comes with a wide range of consequences. The key here is that your son did not have an agency to this decision and therefore those outcomes. What about him when he hears about the fun his friends have with their grandparents throughout his childhood? Then there is the ripple effect this will have on you: alienating your son from your father and stepmother will probably lead to their alienation from you, which may be too much for you (and your marriage) to endure.
Keeping your son from grandparents doesn't protect or connect, but giving him access is both. Of course, you can try to set some basic rules. A visit to the ideological territory where the visit is tense together can say to your father and stepmother:
They might be fine with this. Most people want to avoid conflict, especially when visiting with their grandchildren. But even if they feel the need to say something you don't like, you can still model the value of respect and restraint in your son: “I disagree. I think we have a different idea about this.” Then proceed to another topic.
Remember, parenting is not about building a frictionless fortress. It is to equip your child to travel through a messy and contradictory world with thoughtfulness, resilience, empathy. And sometimes, the first lesson in it may come from watching his parents struggle with differences with their own – love, kindness, and more than anything, flexibility.
Do you want to ask a therapist? If you have any questions, please email askthetherapist@nytimes.com. By submitting a query you agree to the Submission Terms of Use. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.
