I'm 20 years old and recently came to my mother. I just said that I've started meeting women and felt that I needed to share this fact. Previously, I was too nervous to tell her. Her reaction was nothing but anger. She claims I lied to her and she is deeply mad at how I have been holding this information from her for years. She's been telling me some incredibly hurtful things and I'm worried that it might hurt our relationship beyond repair. My brother agrees that her reaction is extreme. Recently she decided to ignore me! I don't know how well this can stand. What should I do: continue talking to her or leave it behind?
daughter
It's a shame your mother won't be the parent you need her. When you made yourself vulnerable to her, she ignored your experiences and created all the situations about yourself. (I wish I could say this was the first time I've heard this version of this story, but sadly, that's not uncommon.) For the record: you didn't do anything bad at all! It came out when I was ready.
My advice may seem like a mercenary, but for now I am more concerned about your welfare than I do about your relationship with your mother. (And ignoring you is a serious warning sign.) So, the question: Do you rely on your mother for housing, tuition, or other material needs? If so, make peace with her until you become financially independent (and engulf her absurd arguments about your dishonesty). I saw too many young people abandoned by their families.
It is possible that your mother will come in time now. And I don't think you can predict what your relationship with her will be. But I know you are brave and honest, and I don't want you to suffer further, as your mother cannot stand up on the occasion. If you have an LGBTQ center near you, please contact us for support. If not, come back to me. I'll help you find the resources you need.
Carrots, sticks, beach house
How can I politely tell my son-in-law and his wife that I don't want him to visit me at my beach condo? My husband (father of my son-in-law) passed away three years ago. During his long illness, my son-in-law and his wife were neither kind nor attentive. And I think the only reason they want to see me is to stay on the beach. I don't want to spend time with them. advice?
stepmother
I might be wrong, but I don't think your question is about beach condos. It sounds like you're still hurt and mad at the behavior of your husband's sick stepson. That's fair! But wouldn't it be better than talking directly with him and his wife about your feelings and quietly and punishing them using a beach condo?
Now you don't share much about your relationship with your son-in-law. So, it's your phone: you certainly have the right to ban them from the condo and make further distance between you. (“Sorry, but the visit isn't convenient for me.”) But you may feel better when you tell them you're really upsetting and create opportunities for discussion and resolution. (“I felt abandoned by you during your father's illness.”) Is that possible?
It's about commuters: you don't understand
I live in Portland, Maine, but I work in Boston. When I tell people about my work, they say, “What a terrible commute!” But I don't mind taking a two-hour bus. I work a lot on the bus and enjoy riding my bike from the bus to the office. Still, these comments bother me. How can I stop them?
Commuters
The only reason people know you're on a long commute is because you tell them. So, if that line of conversation bothers you, stop telling them! (If you work at Boston Children's Hospital, say you work in healthcare and keep the place ambiguous.) Still, as the little story goes, your fresh take on commute seems relatively interesting. But if you don't want to pursue it, it's your phone.
Thank you for inviting me! What is my budget?
My friends sometimes invite me to the restaurant. It could be my birthday and I gave them a favor. I'm grateful. But sometimes invitations are tied to offers to choose a restaurant. I want to be honest about my preferences, but I also want to be moderate because I know I haven't paid the bill in advance. (I love expensive restaurants, but they can wait until they pay my share.) So, what is a good answer to “choose your own gift”?
Diner
I wish I could tell you that you are sensitive. However, the amount of mail you receive from readers suffering from meeting in expensive restaurants and suffering from inequality tests your concerns. (“He had two drinks!”) Instead, “I love the bistro fare” or “I have a pasta hanker.” And leave the decision to your host.
To help with a troublesome situation, send your questions to socileq @nytimes.com, Philip Galanes on Facebook, or @socialqphilip on X.
